The Boy Who Never Grew Up.

It is like trying to write on a blank piece of paper and after its filled with words,you have nowhere to post it to. It's now absolutely clear that I cant reach you. You've gone,you've left this place to somewhere else where nobody can get to and frankly, it sucks because it somehow feels like you're around.
Well, yoo-hoo, boo-hoo for us poor folks.
 And I can feel the irony of your rejoicing the fact that even if I knew the whole of the vocabulary of all  the languages I know,nothing comes close to describing this feeling of void.
It continues to implode, ire and finally, when I'm left with nothing but...literally,nothing, all I have are conversations for memories and they roam and circle around,in and over my head and it feels like some spider is spinning weird webs of them.
It just refuses to go.
I miss hearing you laugh,I miss listening to you.I miss hearing you say "Beaaam! Sup!? Hope you did NOT hit yourself today :/". In short- I miss everything about you. It's tearing me apart that my expecting you to call me is never going to happen and so, I'd rather let this somehow, with any semblance possible, settle in by the only means I have.
We're more similar than not, but you always beat me at the level and magnanimity of it. Dreams that you had,so colourful...all mysterious. Your brain,no? Non-stop..always on the go. It used to make me think,how the hell do you think in such vibrancy? And really, do you ever stop wanting to know my go on everything. Yeah, well. Don't answer that ...Or do!
And what is with people liking you so much? It's sick, how much people like you- I told you that I'm sure you made it up. You didn't.

You. Didn't. Now just get back, already.

Sigh. I know way too much about you to put everything down but I will say this, that I've always marveled at how you were never afraid to love. Unconditionally. Unquestioningly. And as you put it the other day-immeasurably. I will never hear that ever again, or witness it. Or see you fall in love with a girl and learn about it in excruciating detail which I'm sure would have Pink Floyd or Nirvana or The Doors as the main star. I will never have conversations or arguments with you over Nietzsche's pronunciation, or sing Morrison's songs to the dogs, or discuss anything horrifying or disturbing.

And I grieve. Miserably,miserably grieve that I could never love so and that being human you could have so much capacity to just give. Now you're gone and all I can say is,I do love you,like I've loved no other (this is the point where you'd one gone all 'did you just say that?! To me?!?!?!?!?!'. Yeah, well, get over it.). Sappiness and sloppiness apart, what we have can only be described as 'pristine'- actually, you pretty much had that corn factor going for you with everyone, ha-ha. The fact that we've had moments where you were everything to me,and you made feel like I was everything to you? It just goes to show how intuitive a person can be even while he's so young- probably, it was because you were so young and refused to grow into anything else which tarnished it.

I miss acknowledging that the most, I guess. You know, I keep coming back to this post- amending, adding, changing. I am wistful of the past at the most especially when one can't forget their closest friends in a jiffy. When one remembers how the past used to be...this unshakeable tryst we made with a few about the worlds we would all build in the future. That we could take for granted that we'd all make it there. Together.

Those times hit harder when you're growing older, you know? You remember choice dreams, choice conversations, choice people. And sometimes, they remember you. They magically make an appearance at the choicest of times. Good memories make for the best friends. You're positively the best memory most of us who've known you could make, with the chance of being the best the world could too. But, hey, you get by, right?

And that's the thing- you've always been there. You are, undoubtedly, the best I've made in all my relationships with the humankind. And you possibly will hold that spot for the rest of my life. I just wish I could tell that to you. Goes to show how short life really is, huh? That joke really was on me, I'm thinking. A bad and sad joke. It's going to take more than just 'some' time to get used to the fact that you're not, well, around. I don't think that's going to play out very well for me.

This is for making the best 2 years of my life, man. For continuing to be a smile in a recess of nostalgia. For being a part of who I am and making me a part of who you will remain to be. For letting me know small things- like you hated spiders,shit  scared of clowns,loving your niece, not laugh at me if I wore pink or atleast pretending not to, wanting to capture life in just one whiff of smoke,believing that seeing music should be the most beautiful thing in life... And I can't stop. It's just way too much you've left me with, and it breaks my heart that I'm not going to know more.

You shouldn't have left. Selfish,I know. You just shouldn't have. There were a lot more things to be discovered and a lot more things for us to collectively whine about..a lot more places to invent for the survival of at least one of our hyperactive imaginations.

You realize that everything is going to change now, right? Sigh.

You've gone and done the unimaginable. Gone off to your Everland.
And I miss you.
And just like everybody else whom you've etched yourself upon, I love you. Forever.

yours,
Beam,
always.